This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I’ve written down long, long paragraphs that have looked the same… only to throw them away. I didn’t want to appear as if I’d given up.
I wanted to pursue the commitments in my heart. I chose to fight hard and never look away. I gave everything I had. For years…

Eventually I found myself feeling very distant from the people around me… even feeling alone at times. The thing that I was fighting for was draining me of hope, strength, faith…, …love.

I started taking extra measures to not lose the qualities that I believe make a person. Trying to adjust my expectations. I started crying out for help.

The only thing I have never ever done is give up. And it has cost me more than any of you will ever know.

I went through two years of blaming myself for everything… and through lots of work, overcame that.  I made compromises. I got help.  I spoke openly…  I was resisted.

When I noticed the changes in myself, the ones that I held dear and at highest priority, I knew that I was being chiseled down. I was losing fingers. I was bleeding. I held on even then. Never looking away.

Then the final punch was made that broke me… the reminder of my worth to them…

I honestly felt for the first time in my life that the thing I was fighting for wasn’t what I was supposed to fight for… and not even what God wanted for my life. And this is hard to say because I had set myself so determined that God did not agree with ‘giving up’.  But did He want me to completely drown?  Was the only thing that I hadn’t done the one thing he was pushing me towards?  Was there something he was teaching me?  Was there something that he was preparing me for?

Or was my stubbornness to stay the thing that he was pushing me past?

The story that I read today……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A MEAN DOG STORY

My counselor told me a story about a little girl and a dog. The little girl lives next door to this very cute dog. She wants the dog to like her so everyday she goes to the fence and tries to talk to the dog and pet him. And everyday the dog barks and barks. Growls and growls. Chomps and chomps. He is a mean dog. He does not like her. He did not like her yesterday. He does not like her today. And if the world works the way it usually does, this dog is not going to like her tomorrow.

Still, she presses on, desperate for the dog to be her friend.

And every morning she goes and sticks her fingers through that fence and every morning that mean dog is still very mean.

One day the dog bites her fingers off.

And she bleeds to death and dies.

OK. Well, my counselor didn’t say that. I just thought it’d be funny if she died from the blood loss because of a mean stupid dog. But he did bite her fingers off.

Here’s the question we have to ask though: Did she lose her fingers because of the dog or did she lose them because of herself?

A few years ago I told my counselor that she lost them because of the dog. He was mean. He bit her fingers off. He attacked her. He never would be nice. He wouldn’t like the little girl no matter how hard she tried and he was to blame for that. That dog was mean and stupid and left the girl hand less. Bad dog. I hate dogs.

My counselor’s response?

“Jenny, that girl lost her fingers because she refused to acknowledge reality. It was her fault the dog bit her. It was her fault that she was hurt over and over again everyday. It was her responsibility to make a logical decision about that dog and she refused to do so. So she lost her fingers. The dog was innocent. That little girl was completely to blame for what happened to her because even though she knew the dog was mean, but she refused to accept that as reality.”

“Jenny, you are that little girl.”

CRAZY

Ouch. At least she didn’t call me the dog, right? Let me make sure you understand what I am saying because this theory makes HALT look like a kindergarten tool.

Albert Einstein defined insanity as, “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

That means that in the story with the dog, the dog is not to blame; the little girl is. The dog was consistent. He was consistently mean and angry and violent. His behavior was typical. Should the dog be mean? No. Should the dog bite fingers? No. Is the dog a nice dog? No. But those are not questions that the little girl gets to answer or decide. The dog is being who the dog is… it’s not her job, her right, or her Christian duty to make that dog nice. First you have to realize that. You cannot change the behavior of someone else. You cannot change the outcome of something or someone that is out of your control (i.e. your day, your companies decisions, or any human being).

So now she has a choice: Do I let the dog be? Or do I continue to go back to the dog, day after day, hoping that he has changed?

Well, Albert Einstein, and a whole bunch or really smart shrinks would tell you that by going back to the dog you are essentially exhibiting behaviors of someone who is in insane. That’s not fun to hear is it? Your actions are INSANE. You are to blame. You are responsible for yourself and YOU are harming yourself… the dog doesn’t have power to hurt you.

THAT’S NOT FAIR

I was so mad at this story. I was so mad at this shrink theory. I was so mad at my counselor.

I could feel myself getting angry as she looked me in the eyes and said, “Jenny, why do you keep going back to a dog who has consistently shown you they want nothing to do with you? This is not about the dog. It’s not the dog’s fault anymore. It’s yours. You are the one that keeps going back. You are doing something insane. You are responsible for your own hurt.”

When you are in real therapy, those are the kind of sessions that make you get back in your car and claw at your steering wheel, punch the seat next to you, scream profanity, and then drive to Taco Bell to gorge on something nasty and horrible for you.

Therapy is hard. It is the hard road. It is the high road. It is the road less traveled for a reason.

IT SUCKS

Essentially what this lady told me was this:  There are these people in your life who are consistently the same. Be it lazy. Angry. Mean. Or uninterested in you. People that don’t love you the way you want to be loved. They are consistent, yet you keep hoping they will change. You keep hoping for a different outcome. You keep hoping their behavior will magically transform itself out of their love for you. You keep walking into these people and relationships with unrealistic expectations. You really think, deep down inside, that one day things will be different. And when they aren’t, when the dog barks at you and tries to bite your fingers off, you get mad at the dog all over again and end up hurt. You are constantly hurt because you refuse to accept reality. Your expectations are based on your own faulty wishes.

So do you want this to be your life?

Creeping up to a fence every single day hoping that today you won’t lose your fingers?  Or will you accept these people and situations for what they are and change your expectations of them?

Well, when I pulled into the driveway, I noticed that all of the plants that I had left outside looked completely dead. They had apparently experienced something that the weather channel didn’t tell me. I probably just didn’t notice that it was going to get down to 21 degrees over the weekend.

Now I have to figure out what to do to save the plants… if that’s even possible.

Link to G4TV Post:

http://g4tv.com/videos/42737/New-Super-Mario-Bros-Wii-Review/

This morning when Bekah woke up, the first thing she asked me for was a cup of water. But the second was if we could go see gran-d. Throughout the morning she repeated this question. At lunch I decided that we would go visit mom (gran-d) after work.

But by mid-afternoon we were being issued tornardo warnings and I was thinking that travelling wasn’t a good idea. And Bekah hadn’t mentioned it in a few hours so I thought it would be ok.

She asked again around 4:30pm. The rain had slacked a bunch so I thought we would go ahead and try.

Not soon after we had started packing I called my sister. She immediately told me what had happened.

Short version:

A tornado had come through my mom’s yard a gobbled up many of the pecan trees and thrown them on the brand new Honda Accord, the fairly new AC, the front porch, and around the yard. These are big trees. The roof of the house is damaged and now leaking in multiple spots. I’m sure that it’s ruining the newly installed insulation. The new gutters are questionable. The newly repaired fense needs repair. The storage room out back is missing it’s roof. And one of the cats are missing. And the rest is unknown.

But mom’s ok.

But now she trapped at home because of downed trees and flooding.

Needless to say, we didn’t make it over there because of the weather. But I’m planning on getting over there as soon as possible. I’m not sure mom will be sleeping soundly tonight.

It’s still raining. Quite the downpour. This storm isn’t near over.

I sometimes feel that the armor sets from vanilla WoW look better than they do now. As if they are running out of ideas. But as I look through, there are some neat aspects to the sets. The new druid set looks cool to me.

Let see some clothy’s soon please.